The Dementors

Should people have to like the fear of failure? Unless you're unlikely to succeed. Fear, Forever, Fight, Finish, Fucked up, every F word has feeling of finding yourself ! Fearful dark thoughts and when it hits your mind trust me you are a screwed up social animal.

This word caused enough trouble in my mind today, fear of falling, fear of future, fear of facing the demons or I should say 'Boggart', but the spell 'Riddiculus' won't work here, this is the real world that sucks!

Don't feel shameful to be afraid. But what if one cannot be proud enough to fight against her own demons? I have problem with everything now,my mind is fucked up totally, why can't I focus?

Fear,

Focus,

Fall,

Fights,

Finish the line,

Find the line,

Follow the dreams,

Fool yourself,

Every F word is a fantasy that leads me to the dark side of my mind, but does my heart think the same?

Is it just fear that makes its home in my mind or it also gets viral in my heart?

Do I have weak heart?

But if I don't care about people then how can I have a weak heart ?

I'm mature, I should not think like this and being mature means understanding that you have the power not to be affected by any judgment, including my own judgment in difficult times. 

Is it just my thinking or is this really happening?

I'm talking to myself, but do I really exist at this moment or I just created my replica? Imaginary me?

Is it just reciprocating into me ?

What have I seen this morning or will see in future?

Are this English seasons getting high on my mind?

I have questions and I don't want the answers because these are made by me, for me, I know the answers just for now I don't wanna know!!

Like thought came in my mind  that I can't hold myself when I'm lonely but I never feel lonely!!

I'm with my friends/family all the time.

Then why I think about myself that's not me actually !!

Life is much easier when I am asleep but why these dreams don't let me sleep?

Is it just I'm writing for some drastic situation, but its not happening,damn its imaginary !!

Dreams are fine !!

I'm making them bigger

A lot bigger!

I wanna look into people and wanna find the worst of them, wanna see their demons. But am I really fighting with my own ?

We all have some rigidness towards fear, afraid of class presentation , afraid of raising high volume even if I'm alone in the house, afraid to ask a girl out, afraid to go to the school, afraid to go out for dinner with family, or to go out anywhere with anyone, why I'm so afraid of being afraid ?

This is not fear,this is just my thinking, my conversation to myself !!

So did I reach to any conclusion ?

Am I still thinking that fear has power to end the happiness ?

In a sense may be, or may be not!

Am I still afraid of being afraid?

How could I tell you about my fearful feelings where you can have your own, may be fearless!

What I know after getting the shit out of my mind is that fear is always there about what we think and how we think ! We can always have alternatives to frighten ourselves, from nowhere! Stop being a fearful dumb ass and start thinking about the alibi to use against your fear, against your demons ! Don't let your fear win , let it excite you to the level of Hell ! Stop being an asshole and start performing  your fearless magical performance around the world because people need someone who makes them happy and save them from Fucking Fear !

Today is a fearful day but tomorrow will be fearless!

                                                                                              -Kemil Ghoghari 

(edited by Pooja Mehta (https://easy2codeblog.wordpress.com) )

Naming Ceremony Recall..!!

                   It's a usual story for an unusual name. And this led me to believe that, "There is chaos in naming". My birthday comes up in February and after my birth there was a procedure for registering name in the hospital. My mother wanted the name "Krishnu" derived from the Lord Krishna. But my father wanted a different name. But I never thought they wanted 'this-much-different' name and then he came up with this name "KEMIL". My father had a childhood Goaniz friend whose name was 'Kemilo' or say 'Camilo', and from that name my name was derived with such complex differentiation and integration. 

                   Fun part is when father went to register this name to the hospital, the in-charge lady officer denied to accept this name! We're living in Gujarat and there are names like "Kavya", "Kusum", "Komal" and "Krishna" etc. for the staff department this was a unique name !

The lady said to my father : "આવું તે કઈ નામ હોતું હશે , આજકાલ ના માં-બાપ ગમે એવા  નામ લઇ ને આવી જાય છે , હજી વાર છે ત્યાં બીજું નામ બદલાવી ને આવો "

English translation : "This is not even a name (Proper name), nowadays parents come up with this type of name, go back and change the name, and come later!!"

                  But my father was confirmed for this name and he returned with the approval. (Yay..!!) In starting my family wasn't ok with the name but now everyone just loves me and my name.

Whenever I have to pronounce my name to some stranger for the first time, I have to repeat the name for at least three times and at the fourth time I speak my spelling like

"My name is KEMIL ..K..E..M..I..L.. KE..MI...L" (Edit : Don't read this with the 'My name is Khan,and I'm not a terrorist" tone )

and then they get that. (at least I guess so). When a new class teacher comes to the class and ask for my name, my whole class repeats the name for me since this has become the daily scenario for me and for those who know my name. But anyway I'm used to of this name scenario and none of my friends call me with my original name! They have a naming dictionary for me, exclusively for me ONLY..!! But will post about that at some other time !

                                                                                           -Kemil Ghoghari

#s_he..(2)

21. She was peaceful river, 

       Until she met to her 'ocean' !

22. Somewhere someone is in need of love, 

       Somewhere someone is in prayer of her !

23. She was a breeze, 

       He was a storm !

24. She was the ghost in his heart, 

       As he was inside the coffin forever !

       They never met !

25. She was counting the starts, 

       He was staring her in the moonlight !

26. He was a detective , 

       She was a sober companion !

27. He was like a rising sun,

       She was as calm as Moonlight !

28. He tried to take her picture from far,

       All she wanted is a couple photo with him !

       They never framed together !

29. He tried to guess her mood,

       All she wanted is someone who understand her !

30. He was the Symphony for her,

       She was never able to play it alone !

31. She was the song for him,

      But only he knew the meaning of her lyrics ! 

32. She was a bookmark in his diary,

      As he couldn't dare to write further ! 

33. She writes about him in her diary,

       He never finds her as secretive!

 34. He tried to wake her up, 

       but she was in his dreams ! 

35. If he is her tomorrow, 

       she believes he was her past !

36. He was the last poem in her diary, 

       She was the subject of his biography !

37. He was riddle of scars for her, 

       She solved him with her smile !

38. He was brave, 

       She was his bravery ! 

39. She was 'forever',

      He was 'always' !

                                                                                       - ~ ms (@tonksgirly (#s_he))

#s_he..(1)

1.  He tried hard to be the star in her eyes but

     she was busy capturing the shine !

2.  He tried to look at her in love, 

     She was busy blinking her eyes !

3.  She tried to be his favorite but 

     he just 'retweeted' her !

4.  He rose like a sun to give her warmth in winter days but 

     all she wanted was moonlight in her bad hair days ! 

5.  He tried to be the perfect ending for her but 

     she never read more than a preface of his book !

6.  He thinks he is in her thoughts,

     She believes in 'over thinking' ! 

7.  He thinks he can calm her down, As 

     she believes in burning fire !

8.  He was shy, 

     She was his shyness !

9.  He was watching her gracefully,

      She was waiting to lift her up !

10. He was soft music for her,

       She was kinda party girl !

11. Oh no!! She is still angry,

       He is still smiling ! 

12. He tried to smile at her, 

       She was directly looking in his eyes !

13. He was waiting for his gift,

       She gently kissed on his cheek !

14. He has his smile on her face, As 

       she gave him her tears !

15. He was there to hold her but 

       she wanted someone who can run with her !

16. He was doing coding for her but 

       all she wanted is a decoder to decode her emotions !

17. She tried to protect her face from sun,

       He stood between her and sun for all day !

18. If she is the darkness,

      He is the rainbow to color her !

19. He was the reason behind her tears, 

       She was crying in joy of being a mother ! 

20. He was the thunder, 

       She was the lightning !

                                                            -Kemil Ghoghari (@tonksgirly (#s_he) )

D-day before Engineering Exam ..!!

Why we engineers study just the day before an exams?

Short answer: we are night watchers and insomniac.

Long answer:

After taking admission in engineering , All we think is "Didn't get my choice of college (branch too), I'll study like a hell and kick those asses" But we had no idea what the fuc*ing pipeline of engineer is ,all we wanted was to be Rancho, and end up being Chatur without any 'chamtkar'. We never have any idea before the d-day and all we do is :

- Gather the books rather say Xeroxes day before an exam

- Open the syllabus page and waste an hour long to find out these things:

1. Is this right Xeroxes?

2. Is this topic in our 'Exams'?

3. Is this chapter in our 'Exams'?

4. Is this subject in our 'Exams'?

- And that's it, it's break time, and break long last more than an hour, during breaks:

-Open Fb and comment on friend's post saying  "gadheda, tare vanchai gyu atle have gam ne hera na kar" 

-Chat with friend.

-Don't know what is it about the exam, that we eat more than we actually 'read'.

- Collect the last year asked questions and end up reading only those for an exam.

- Pray to God

" Iss saal pass karva do, agale semester se pakka padhunga !!"

Being in second year all we think is " Now we are seniors ", and we tend to discover some amazing just-for-an-engineering-stuff.

We discover sizzling website with high speed internet and new laptop ( you can't spot an engineer without his smart phone and laptop). During semester start downloading constant movies and watch 2-3 per day. And then super senior tells us "Bhai, the real stuff is in TV series, If you're not watching FRIENDS, GOT, Breaking bad, etc, you're wasting your life as an engineer"

This routine will lead us to the scenario where all we do is watch the bunch of episode instead of exam reading . After the ' watching-seasons session' we make our mood for some reading so we,

-gather at one's place

-We make 'room' for some reading

- Discuss the different topic

- One who knows little bit about the topic tells a story and that is a lot more entertaining than the engineering professors.

- Tea time ( Most engineers don't drink coffee else he/she is with their lover at CCD).

- Future plans mostly day dreaming

- Crush talks and teasing

- Reading for an hour and then,

- Raat ke 1 baje vali 'Meri Maggie' break.

- Starting from reference books we end up reading from notes and paper solution.

- and Pray to God,

" Iss saal pass karva do, agale semester se pakka padhunga !!"

Two years in engineering, and people think we are 'Professional' only we know what the hell is happening inside our head.

With one peg we start thinking that "Engineering is blissful paradise" . We discover the new essence of library as hangout place. We are obliged to give advice to juniors for their first university exam. Only we know that it's not the ragging . We go to late night parties and fast driving. One bike and 'triple safari' . Tech-fest is our 'Tomorrowland' before the exam. Inner voice says you can pass any subject. Becomes an expert on mugging & writing shit in the fuc*ing exams. We start our day with the as usual collecting IMPs, end up becoming avid

- smokers , Cigarettes that don't let us sleep.

- Important page numbers, to read for the last moments.

- A fuc*ing long explanation to topic and after 30 minutes we realize that topic isn’t there in the syllabus .

- We skipped almost all odd topics but beneath to have a fear, if it will be asked.

- And the last-night-tension-relief-long-calls.

-A repetitive 89 Signatures we do in a book which have kept to note down for Imp points to remember.

- After an hour reading , as usual we all are drizzly.

-We are the sherlocks of Ghajini, we don't have the ability to' remember' things , but we sure can 'memorize' things over night just for the special 'bloody paper'

After surviving three years through this hellish engineering, we are those devils who rule on the college and don't want to taste the reality, which ultimately sucks! We have no idea of subjects even after the three years, endless vivas, Big major project and tension of placement. Still all we think is " why the hell we're still single after fucking four years " .

-We sleep like the 'Baap' of Kumbhkaran and the bed becomes Extra Seductive day before an exam.

- Those of us who love their afternoon nap gets their hell when we ruin that for them!

-A day before exam...When From Outside we are like "Spartansssss.!!"

but from inside it's like "Fuc* this Shit outta hell..!!

-we becomes champions of various games during our Crucial day before an exam time.

-A novel/game that we kept aside just to get refreshment but we make a personal obligation to complete the book/game, doesn't matter if the subject stays untouched.

After all these foolishness we manage to get passed. We drink, we smoke, we watch porn and we make sarcasm through all, we have become writer, artist, singer , and lot more; we have big start up ideas in mind but we have one more thing , label of "Engineer" on head. Being in last year we never have attended the lectures but we are regular for college campus.

From facebook posts to whatsapp status to hike timeline to twitter tweeting, we have thrown out our anger of exams out. Things have changed, but the damn fuc*ing system seems to just stare at our face and show the label of "You're an Engineer".

                                                                        -Kemil Ghoghari (An Engineer, with the help of J.) 

Unlocked Treasure

" ...not just "

Its not just my desire
Its my dream comes true
Its not only about you
Its about me holding us !!

Its not just time we've passed
Its a moment we've lived
It not only about our kiss
Its the breath we've shared !!

Its not just about closed book
Its a chapter that I've turned
It not only about my poem
Its the love we've learned !!

"...everything changed "

You hurt me thousands time but I never think of that
I did that one time
And everything changed

You shout at me like you don't care
But I never think of that
I did that one time
And everything changed

You get high like there is no tomorrow
But I never think of that
I did that one time
And everything changed

You left me like you're not coming back
But I never think of that
I did that one time
And everything changed

I'll keep repeat these things and I know you'll think of that
Don't do this again
Else nothing will be the same ..!!

"..don't go"

Don't go for a while
As I'm still in love with you
Can't you stay for a while
As I'm mad for you

Don't treat me like this
As I still believe in you
Can't you stay for a while
As I'm still in love with you 

Don't look at me like this
As I still care for you
Can't you stay for a while
As I'm still in love with you 

Don't laugh at me like this
As I still smile for you
Can't you stay for a while
As I'm still in love with you 

Don't leave me like this
As I still here for you
Can't you stay for a while
As I'm still in love with you 

Don't fake a smile like this
As I still know you
Can't you stay for a while
As I 'm still in love with you 

Don't cry for me
As you still in love with me
Can't we stay together forever
As I'm still in love with you..!!

"...fear "

I fear from the people I love
their smile , love and fear of hate
But I know I am not alone
 

I fear from the dreams I see
the reality, night and fear of breaking
But I know I am a dreamer

I fear from the thoughts I think
the dark, past and fear of negativity
but I know I am not a psycho

I fear from the Life I live
the hard, real and fear of failing
but I know I do exist ..!! 

"...memories "

memories exist in my treasure
locked hard
impossible to find
from hate to divine

memories exist in my thoughts
darkened sight
embarrassed to hide
from present to past

memories exist in my dreams
at half past two
imagined to fly
from night to sunrise

memories exist in my life
beating fast
remembered to smile
from start to live life..!!

"...where is "

And the night starts glowing

'Cz of the stars
Where is the moon
Where is the moonlight

And the baby starts dreaming
'Cz of the book
Where is the magic
Where is the magical nights  

"...if "

If I pray,

 you're the blessings
If I'm happy, 

you're the smile
If I sing,

you're the song
If I'm star, 

you're the stardom..!!

                                                                        -Kemil Ghoghari
 

Things that matter (may be..)

             ...people never understand what we try to make them understand, so it is far better that we keep mum . But sometimes we can't. We wanna scream in this night. We wanna laugh hard on the day in middle of our office work. But we are scared about the way people would look at us. Is it wrong that we are girls? We can always see those watchful eyes looking at us, as if judging us and our behavior every single moment. They underestimate us and our work just because we are girls. Why this matter so much? Matters like this always freaks us out.

Whenever there is a long journey , we- the girls have to hold the pee, just because there is no proper toilet on the way. And peeing into the bush near roadside at the night is not the proper/preferable way, but boys don’t  face this problems. But anyway this doesn't matter to you.

Even if in a sunny hot day, we can't wear what we want to. Well, sometimes it's irrelevant what kind of day it is, we can't wear what we want to. End of discussion. We will always be called upon by people, and told that this is not the proper way to dress. A sleeveless lose tee and pajama is only for the boys. Even if we wear tight dress , they have problem in that too. But boys don’t have to face these problems. They can roam around in their shorts being top less. But this doesn’t matter to you. I guess.

A boy can have late nights with friends, or even the night outs. But what happen if we want to go late at night for clubbing, for fast ride, for ice cream at 3 in the morning ? Sometimes, we may wonder whether we will do be able to do such things if given the freedom to us, or will the fear stop us from living our freedom. The fear, of those boys who harass us at club , fear to go around for long ride, while looking in the mirror and wondering whether there is a bike behind us.Even as independent girls, we must depend on good guys. That please let us have our fun. But this doesn’t matter to you.

When we-the girls, want to pursue higher studies in a place away from home, and our parents have to think about every little details, from the college to hostel, from the area to food. Because that particular city had been in the news recently, being under the headline as 'unsafe for women.' But there is never such tagline for the boys. That’s why this doesn’t matter.

Have you seen any girl eating alone in a restaurant or enjoying the movie alone in the theater? Even if we want to go alone, we have to mention that : ! "Seat for a girl", and then the ticket  booking clerk manage to give us the seat. Far from boys. But that’s not enough because even when sitting in the dark, we are always afraid of something even darker.

When we plan for the holiday trip, we have to double check for safety. All the male-friends can do the room sharing but we have to book separate room with extra money for safety. Still the night are sleepless being alone in the room. But you can roam around without any fear . But this doesn’t matter to you.

When people assume that girls, have no ambition, apart from finding the good husband, with handsome salary. And parents also thinks the same for their so called darling princesses . But they forget that not only does a girl have dreams, but also the passion and capabilities to fulfill those dreams. They also wanna live the carefree life. They may be independent, but they are still caged inside the rigid nature of the society.They wish they can get out of this cage, to be free in the sky. So they can go wherever the wind and their desire take them. to live their own dreams.

All things don’t matter for the boys now but when you realize that the Gender Equality is your issue, too. It is when you become a father of the daughter that these things will become a crucial the important matter for you. For only then will you understand that one of the best gifts you can ever give to your daughter, is the ability for her to live her life on her own standards.

                                                                                          -Kemil Ghoghari (With the help of J.)