Midnight Thoughts!

So I started becoming insomniac just after I knew that such word exists for those who believe that nights are  more alive, vulnerable, honest  and peaceful than most of the day. First I thought that it's just me. Staring out of window. .But obviously not counting the stars or lying on my bed listening some sort of songs about which I've no idea. At that time I learned this funny word and the same time I learned about the thoughts I'm having at 3 in the morning. The thoughts that keeps me up all night.

But when I first tried to write these creepy thoughts in diary next  morning; all I could write was this.  

"So these dogs are barking and that's why I'm not able to sleep. Ughh this tick-tock of clock irritates me. Pillow is not perfect lemme put my hand below it. This bedsheet hurts my back. Ohh need some water, nah I don’t want to else have to wakeup at night for pee."

Yes, but what actually I was thinking during this midnight crisis? 

I was thinking about chaos in that pin drop silence and how badly I'm stuck alone! It was like I was finding something, wandering like a distracted girl who looses all her sense during her menstruation period. My string of thoughts were keep changing from my anger issue to those unsaid words I couldn't tell because of some fear and now I regret it so much; imagining all the different ways the situation could have been turned out if I haven't messed it up so bad.

I guess this happens with many of people like you and me. Sleeping is nice. You forget about everything for a little while. Where midnight never feels like the middle of the night, it’s like 3 or 4 AM when you stay up late; and this is hard because all you remember is the things you try hard to forget during day.  And you stuck to the series of questions, you dare not to answer.

Despite of all this late nights turn a person into who he really is. A piece of poem, stroke of brush in the white canvas, a line to compose some harmony or 4 AM thoughts turn out to be the masterpiece with ability to spin your life.  If it makes person vulnerable it also gives the hope. If one side you can stare the sky full of stars, you also stare the empty streets with hollow feelings. If late nights makes us think about all the wrong decisions then it also gives hope to learn from that. 

                                                                                                                          -Kemil Ghoghari (ms)

I wonder where Home really is?

Now a days my all lines of article starts with 'New City'. Even after bloody six+ months, I'm keep rambling this line 'new city isn't new anymore' and though I've the teenage crush on it this is still not the very same city which I stare at midnight and hate at morning. 

Here I'm, at last..

Much near to home,

Yet far away from here,

Never get enough of both.

I don't know where I'll go?

Will I ever stop?

I might become the divergent of road

Being the highest complexity to encode.

But when I come back far from woods,

I might wander again, to tell stories under hoods.

There where Home will welcome me I guess.

Letting me write on my own words of mess.

Here I'm at last..

Hanging between two ends,

Knowing nothing about beginning,

Oh dear I don't know what I'm missing!

After spending 20+ years in small but peaceful town I moved to this traffic jam city with big dreams and no money! But uh-oh certainly with so many advises of well wishers. With direct bombarding of 'this and that'; they were preparing me for the change, for the new city that I was soon gonna call Home. Period.

Here I'm at last…

Much near to home!!!

Now this word gives me strange feeling, few months back I was so excited to explore new things, didn't want to go back hometown and now even couple of days of holidays making me think about going back to native. And  I just don't know the reason. Is excitement over? Or It's just the irritation? May be I'm not old enough to understand but anyway the young blood is settled here, adjusted here anyway.

Old City : Purani Jeans

New city, Same Weirdness

Today when I see the first rain of city, or just wander here and there to know something that is hidden beneath, I recognized roads that I had no idea existed few months ago, the grocery store man and panipuri guy near my place recognize me and I've even found friends in this stinky city. But where did I go wrong? Trying to make this new city just like my old one to get that home feeling was mistake? Making same memories and finding the same spots here; was that a mistake? Just dunno. Now feelings are mixed up just like un-even shot of tequila and soda. Now when I go back to native I have to use public transport and they charge me more thinking I don’t know my old city. I get big laugh inner-side, probably on me that how much things have changed vice versa. 

I feel numb wondering where home really is, in those old roads where I learned my first bicycle ride or on these big roads where I go on long drive at night. I'm running between two home and never getting enough of both.  

                                                                                                                             -Kemil Ghoghari (MS)

An open letter to (long distance) Bestie ..

Recently had patch up with my old memory box, finally the strong will to walk through my own memory lane won against my continuous resistance.  And there I saw picture of us, the one I love the most. We're laughing, I'm holding the bills of our first 'after interview' Domino's party. Sitting right beside you, making comic face as usual to spoil your selfie and yet 'out of the blue' I snatched your phone and took this selfie without having idea that this will inspire me to write this piece and on other side made me emotional for our friendship. (You know that I don't cry :p) I never told you this but memories of ours haunt me and ache me deep down where I just can't reach to heal it.

In that picture everything was at ease, we both were unknown to the storm which was yet to be come and pull us in different direction. The storm  wasn't going to remind us about our strong bond neither the time long distance. Who knew that wondering in the native wasn't going to happen now and then in this new city. That lazy summer afternoon in your room completing F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode for nth number of time. Mood freshener hot  tea in even hotter room of yours, where you've never let me open the windows just because of that li'l lizard friend of yours. We never knew how hard it could be to stay apart in the same new city.

It was so easy to meet you when I could just walk across the street and be at your plot, giving you just one ring to call you downstairs where we've spent hours of talking and discussing things  in that 'coming in 5 minute' response to our mother.  I miss these stuffs when I'm exploring new cafes or new restaurant, I miss you but most of all I miss being with you! That 'ice cream' corner of our, stalking guys and talking every weird stuff to let our stress out, judging and insulting every single person at 'Bortalav' just because we were together. This word Together frightens me as I'm not able to be with you in the moment physically. It feels like heavy load and TBH I can do anything to have you here, but I won't. And that's where I fail. I won't do anything !!!

It makes me sad that I can't give you shoulder when you're frustrated or often forgets to call you to have that long chit chat. I know you've thousand things to tell me and expecting a millions from me as well. That fact is I know everything but lacking to do anything. It hurts me that I am not doing single thing to build the bridge to disappear the tension or say distance.

But yes, dear long distance bestie in the same new city whom I don’t see everyday I am collecting myself to relive the moments we've once lived with every possible way! Friendship between us will surely be something that people will get jealous of. I am your devil who is trying to be honest!

Perks of living in a tiny House!

One of my friend stopped by my home to say Hi to me. But I saw the facial expression when she looked at my teeny tiny house. So I thought do I really ashamed of my house? Do I really feel sorry for myself that I don't have a big dreamy room which I can decorate  with all my books and clicks? I don't think so. My secret closet contains all sort of memories and crafting which I dream to have personalized!

So living in the little house but  m living the large life !!

What can be the perks of it??

~ Everything is nearby. Cross the room and there's the fridge.

~ The big deal is that everything is  at the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen.

~ Enter in home, throw yourself over the couch and you don’t have to stand up for remote, or to switch on the light. It’s sooo near by that you can switch it on sitting on the couch. 😂

~ You never feel alone. Never ever! Except that you're really alone and light goes off and you you stumble upon and hurt your knees! (happened thousands of times! Trust me!!)🙈

~ You won’t afraid of dark. Because even a backlight of phone will charge your room with lights!

~ Your bedroom is your study room, play room.

~ Your all stationery, clothes, games and valuable things are stored at the very same place, in your one and only cupboard.

~ No need to wonder in two or three cupboard. The place is so small that if you misplace something, It’s no time consuming. You just need to look over two or three places and there you go man!

~ Everyone can here you, no big voices, no shouting!

If house is small one cozy corner will catch your heart and you'll end up being in that favorite corner of yours so that the house looks big!

Well I did brag about how much I love staying in a teeny tiny house! But reality is sometimes I do wish for huge place! Wait.. I said sometimes! 🙊

Cons of living small?? Let me write to justify!

~ Well you won’t get any separate room. Either you’ve to share room with your siblings or with your parents. Or living under the stairs like Harry ;) (well I would love that though)

~ End up hitting yourself here and there, with all furniture, doors and dining table 2638 times per day. Here I it explains all my scars over body! Well gravity loves me!

~ Everyone can here you so no secret call to lover, no important talk with friends. You can't even whisper! Oh gross!

~ You will likely to chose messaging instead of calling.

~ You never get ‘alone’ time, as someone is constantly there even if the person is in next room. It feels like someone from somewhere always watching you!

~ No secrecy, can’t hide your stuff, diary and important things from others. (worst nightmare)

~ Everything is by default open for all. You have to share things with everyone as they will find out before you safely put it down in your cupboard.

~ Feels really bad when bunch of your fiends visit your home and you don’t have your own bedroom. You have to end up sitting in your living room, family hovering here and there.

~ Friends can’t come for nightout.

~ Can’t watch Hollywood movies or series with high volume, have to use headphones.

~ When you visit big place, you remember your tiny house and you feel bad.

~ Sometimes you have to wear clothes in the bathroom, and end up wetting your jeans or salwar.

~ When monsoon is near by and mother put the clothes in your room to dry.

~ All seasonal clothes in one cupboard or sometimes in suitcase.

~ Even three person is crowd for you when your mood is not good and you’re living in a tiny house!

So wrapping this tiny discussion I will just say don't think about glass is half empty or half full! Think it's a tequila shot and just drink it! Be the optimistic about having small house but work hard to make it big!

- Kemil Ghoghari (ms)

#s_he : The Trilogy.. (1)

She is the "New girl in the city". Because of the title she chose for her she got taunted for not visiting her native now and then. Couple of months in the new city hasn't changed her but suddenly she is all different because of the stupid hair cut and that new attire in sari she just got after moved in to this new city. 

Moving to the new city, and exploring it, is her ultimate goal of travelling. Everyone was aware about it but when she finally got the chance to accomplish the dream, she got stumbled upon her own dreams. Till today she is all confuse about what she wants from this new city, from these new challenges which is  constantly nudging her thoughts when she opens her OneNote. She has yet to fill all her undiscovered "Ilaahi" diary pages. New York, Bali, Macau all these cities are yet to be explored and yet to be clicked. She is just 200km away and she wants to go far from this limit. But she is afraid of changes, afraid of losing those three or four loved ones she has in her life. She accepts that this is the change and she has failed to remain the same.

But what's fun in living stationary life in the moving city who changes it's color every night?

She has dream to capture the niche essence of this city, she wants to combine those pictures with her travel diary blog but she is scattered in her own thoughts of dreams. Reality hit her hard to the bottom that she started seeing Harry Potter and FRIENDS as fantasy now. Her writing gives her happiness when some senior at office praises it. But meanwhile she also wants to do the best photography of her time. People often have confusion about how to achieve dreams. She is confused about which one to chose before another dreams. Juggling between reading, writing and photography she became a content writer for the company. From writing in her diary  to writing in the shared Google doc she finally grew up. Back in her college days she was "Girl behind the camera" and same thing gives happiness when someone calls her the official photographer of company. She grew up, either she wanted to or not. She accepted it. And then again for others she is changed!

Last year she chose to become what others wanted to see in her. But not anymore. It's long way to go and she cannot walk setting her feet in past. New city has certainly calm her nerves down! But she is stronger than she is! She is tolerant than she used to be! She is the main character of her life, she is the lyrics of her own poems, she is the angle of photos she clicks and she is the end of the book she is reading! With the fukc you off attitude and ignoring everything that disturbs  her happiness she is learning to live in the city that got blamed for changing her way too much!
- Kemil Ghoghari (#ms) (#s_he)

Two years of Moonlight Roadtrip

A lot can happen over a cup of coffee. And some incredible things did happen this day. A library became the place where I got 'out of the blue' idea about creating a blog being a passionate photographer. First time because of the hard push, an introvert opened her diary for the world. All those unseen poems which I wrote on Twitter in 140 characters and those bookmarked diary pages finally got their right place and I became famous with my #s_he writing! Moonlight Roadtrip is not just a place for me. It's a way towards my meditation. The blog which I started when I  completed teenage! And still going on and on with off the track obstacles!

Every damn time, final exams of engineering were responsible that I successfully delivered the blog without any deadline and page view got increased automatically. That D-Day before every engineering exams improved my writing and thoughts. Three hours in examination hall gave my imagination new wings that I end up creating "Date a girl who writes" being a single girl. (May be that was the reason I was able to write - no distraction ;) )

Without promoting my blog anywhere when I started getting a huge response I drove my confidence to cloud nine. And some racist and offended judgments about writing  broke my heart that I almost dropped writing for months. But there is this old saying that "whatever happens, happens for good". That black time of my life gave me push to fight with my Boggart (demons) and I produced the brightest Patronus of all time. And wrote the blog "Irrelative thoughts about relations" and "The Dementors". Inspiration doesn't just come to you every time. Sometime you have to go to public place so you can observe people, a terrace where thought process works at its best with some alone 'me-time' or just lock yourself in a room with some memories and voilà blog is done.

People says there's always writer's personal experience added in writing but I think other way around. You can know my writing based upon the life I'm living. But how can you know me because of what I write?

When I started blog I used to check the page view and comments continuously, waited long for reviews eagerly. Now I've passed across that stage with such maturity. Page counts don't excite me and if I'm saying this I'm lying.

There are memories connected to blog, thoughts about how I'll start and how I'll conclude, my OneNote password protected diary that no one is allowed to touch, where unfinished articles are waiting that someday I'll be inspired to complete them. Some poems are waiting for the rhyming. My #s_he is waiting for her he to complete the last line of two liners. And above all, the girl with the camera is happy about second anniversary of her blog, which is no more a secret from her parents now. Yayyy..!!
This blogspot is a story which never get started but still fighting the losing battle ! Thank You for inspiration, I write because there is You.
- Kemil Ghoghari (ms)

Observation: steps toward deduction!

                                   Observation is very funny thing to do when you're alone, you keep staring at someone or something and all your face makes some funny grin !! I am used to observe people around me a lot, well being a crazy Sherlock fan I deduce things out of them. You observe the photo someone has already taken, and I observe the scene before taking the photo. Just a small difference that makes me write this article and makes you read the same one ! Observation is not power nor some illusion. Sometimes it's just the way you sum up these things, you have seen in a most elegant yet intelligent way. When you love someone by all your heart you become an observer, you remember and notice all sort of things about that person. A single like on Facebook page can deduce the taste of that person. When you've to remember something in a moment of time period you become an observer. You find out relative ways to remember those things. When you've a meeting with a person you don't know but you start observing everything, that makes his/her first impression last. By this article you can observe my pattern of writing and by writing you can observe my pattern of thoughts and by thoughts you can deduce what type of person I'm. See this way the chain works. You look over my keyboard and if you notice that one ruddy key out of others you might know I use the "E" the most out of all 26 letters. Easy to raise the probability because 'five vowels' are the most used to written down any word.  It's that simple and it's that complicated if you cross the line between "Observation" and "Judgmental" .

                                   While writing all sort of this stuff I'm here in Joggers park, people walk around and act like they know all about running and sweating. They try to show what they are not.  But who's paying attention? They feel like everyone is spamming on them. But everyone around them feels the same bullshit. But do you think anyone cares? There is this man with strong mussels, well structured body and  grey hair. He has this different shoes that attracts me and branded track suit with some sort of symbol that I don't know. Among all he seems the professional  one, I am behind him trying to copy his movement but  Oh God!! he is fast like the train, with this loving  Rhythm! And here all I can deduce in these 10 seconds of glance is that he is in his mid 30's, and with the short hair I can say he looks like a military man ! But one more thing that I know but you don't is there is an NCC camp just outside the jogger's park. Probability of him being a military man just raised. The shoes that I said is different, I've seen them on Quora question about Army shoes. Probability raised more. And I have seen this man number of times doing horse riding in his uniform. Now it's confirm he is a military man or NCC candidate. But you see, you just can't observe the people and deduce them this far, you ought to know the surrounding that revolves around you. The street where you live, the landmark you've remember to know the road that takes you to that street, you need to pay the detail orientation where you live and from where you pass, to observe and to deduce. It's a big deal to live in this surrounding and not to know it.

                                    Then there is this lady, in her mid 35! Short but very fast. I see her, here everyday since I used to come here in joggers around 2013! She runs a small beauty parlor! How I know ? By looking at her ? By deducing that she is pretty and she can hide her age very well? No I just asked her during a short conversation. Know the people with little conversation, who  is there around you from such a long period.

                                    In short observation is good and powerful and I am doing it! But I'm not judging the old man nor fat woman who just passed across me, looking at me as I am typing in my mobile hearing the music! How I know she was looking at me while I was typing, well she does this everyday with some disguise. I know because I used to notice, she did because she might be judging me or might not. Nobody cares, just act like they know some deep shit. There's this line in TV show Mr. Robot : "No one cared who I was until I put on the mask!"  Put the masks on, and observe the surrounding, you'll find a better world to live. 

                                                                                                                                                         -Kemil Ghoghari